Every day I am away, I miss home that little bit more. Each day is difficult but today was an especially challenging one. Over the past few days I have spent time flicking through pictures on my phone trying to remember the moment it was taken - who was there, what the weather was like, the sounds around me, how I was feeling. Everything. This may sound silly coming from someone who has only been away for a couple of weeks at this point, but considering I will be gone for so long, it forces me to really stop and appreciate these special memories. Because that is all they are now - a memory. And when you’re alone in the world, as I have been many times, this is what keeps you going. It’s amazing how a single photo can make you feel closer to home.
Before leaving for India, my wonderful man created a file on my desktop containing a different photograph (or two, and sometimes a short video) for every day i am away (there are 90 of them). So - each morning when my alarm shocks me awake at 4.00am, the first thing I do is open the folder (for that specific day - they are dated) to see what picture or video i have for that day. Such a simple idea which has made a world of difference to how I feel every morning. It gives me a memory to hold on to, to cherish. That photo, that memory, gives a wonderful strength to keep moving forward. It reminds me of what is important in my life, of what I should never take for granted - after all, nothing is ever permanent.
What a wonderful man my Owen is.
During the day we do pranayama breathing which can cause all sorts of sensations and emotions to arise in the body. Usually I am sitting in pranayama class wishing the time away as my hips are about to snap from sitting for so long, but today I found myself floating back to some wonderful memories - one in particular of Owen, my pooch and I at lunch in Hahndorf. I felt really upset thinking about this - wishing i had somehow enjoyed the moment more at the time. We had such a wonderful day that day, but i can’t help but feel saddened that these special times need to end. Part of being a yogi is not having an attachment to things, or experiences, so I obviously need to work on this. But for now, I’m really struggling with the concept of time - how it passes us by without realising. I guess that was one of the biggest motivators for coming here in the first place. If I didn’t follow my passions now - when would I? When im in my sixties and realise I haven’t lived the life I wanted? Of course, if an person in there sixties only realises this then, and acts on it, then that is not a bad thing - better late than never. But for me, i want to make sure i spend as much time as possible following a path which i choose for myself - which is not chosen for me or expected of me.
Anyway - a little off the topic of yoga - but i guess this is all part of the journey right?
With regards, to yoga, we didn’t practice this afternoon. Instead we spent the afternoon learning about another 5 or so asanas. I was disappointed not to train and my body certainly doesn’t feel as relaxed or ‘complete’ for having missed this class. It’s amazing how quickly you fall into a routine. Instead, today has been an information overload.
I’m feeling a little overwhelmed to be honest. And talk of the week four exam hasn’t helped with anxiety levels. There is just so much to know. Of course this will be the difference between me and the average practitioner who hasn’t completed such intensive training, but that doesn’t make it any less overwhelming. At the moment my life is study/training, breakfast/study; training/study/teaching; study/lunch; training/study; dinner/study; sleep….. So much study!
I’m also disappointed as I didn’t get to teach the Sirsasana series today. It’s a really complex series which I was well prepared for - and I can do (I have been trying for over a year to get into this and now I can!). But my name wasn’t called. This means I will be up again until all hours of the night studying for tomorrows teaching class. My nights are getting shorter and shorter the deeper I move into the course. I’m down to less than 6 hours sleep at the moment. Not ideal.
So, on that note - time to get off here, shower and hit the books, again!