I find I lose a little bit more of me each day I walk into the building here at work. There is this aroma of ‘soul destruction’ which floats around the building and i’m at a critical point now where my shield to it is beginning to fail. I feel as though this negative energy is just permeating my entire being with every breath i take. I also cant help but notice the lack of energy everyone else around me seems to have (or not have). I see new starters come on board with this amazing energy and then within a matter of a few weeks, they too look - well - grey. There is no colour left.
(Being synesthetic, I see everything in colours. I feel in colours).
But again, I need to take some responsibility here. I am choosing to stay that little bit longer. I need to, to make sure I have enough cash to cover my trip and my properties should anything happen whilst Im a barefoot yogi in Mysore. So I need to be strategic. I could also choose to look upon my situation more favourably - which I really try to, believe me - but there are some days where enough is just enough!
I had another daunting realization today - assuming i live to be 90 - my days on Earth will be done by 2074. Pretty terrifying! Knowing this just makes me even more determined to challenge myself and chase my dreams.
This morning I only practiced for a short while - just to wake me up. Its incredible what your body tells you when you listen to it. An ache can have so many meanings if you try and tap into it. And a beautiful release can offer such a blissful feeling when in the right state of mind. I’ve injured my left foot and for a while there, when at my lowest of lows in this job - I kept trying to push the recovery and challenge it through my morning practice. My high expectations for myself meant i wasn’t going to accept the injury and expected it to recover quickly. But with the aid of physio and gentle stretches, my foot is beginning to heal beautifully. Who would have thought!!
I guess that’s another reason why I love yoga so much. I am such an impatient person, but yoga teaches me to be still. To feel calm and to really take the time to care for my body the way it needs to be cared for. If there is a day when things are a little stiff - i have now come to accept that its is ok. If my balance is off one day - then that is ok too. I’ve become accustomed to this 'fast life’ as a result of many years of working in a frantically busy and stressful industry - so I am now working hard at doing the opposite, winding down.
I’m just glad i realised this now and not at year 2065.
One day at a time - I know i can get through this xx