Today was all over the place for me. Although strong in some areas, my coordination and concentration was, in short, poor. My ankles, knees and hips were burning within moments of crossing my legs (total sitting time per day on the floor is approximately 6 hours - that’s a long time when your legs are snapping). They say you hold your emotions in your hips - if this is true then it makes sense why I am having such difficulty releasing the tension there. With so many years of working under extremely stressful conditions, among other things, it’s as though all my pent up stress/anxiety etc has turned to concrete in my hips. Rock hard.
Although no one can ever know you better than you - I often feel like Owen knows me better than I know myself. When we chatted this afternoon, he noticed there was something a little off with me. At this point, I didn’t even know there was something a little off! Then the tears come, and the worries, and the drama and all the other irrational crap which is just that - irrational. Turns out - me being me, and wanting to do well with this training - I am forgetting to be a little more gentle on myself. Even if this means being more present. Most days I’m very present, but something had me today, which I couldn’t quite pin point but it was there. But after chatting with my Owen, the world shone a little brighter. Owen is wonderful at helping me see a little clearer when I’m stuck in the fog within of my own mind. Although I can often get defensive during such conversations, when I actually stop and find the truth in what is being said, I am always so grateful. Getting caught in your own head is not a good thing. I often find myself there..
This evening, there were a number of students who were struggling with their practice. One even broke down in tears. Our teacher later reminded us that we are to expect our emotions to fluctuate. That our bodies are going through all sorts of changes at the moment which will cause us to experience all sorts of things - sad and happy feelings, memories of the distant past - we are to expect it all. We were also warned this is likely to heighten next week. Excellent!
If there is anything I have learned today - it’s to be present and gentle with myself. To notice what is going on with my body, mind and breath. To pay attention and not shy away as I usually would. In philosophy class, we were told we have only a certain number of breaths available to us before our death. Therefore, if we can calm and slow the breathing, then we extend our lives. So my new gift to self is to do exactly that - slow the breathing by finding stillness and being kinder to myself. Because I want to be here (life) for a long time!
Always take time to notice something beautiful every day. There is always something, which you may have seen a hundred times before - but
today, you ‘noticed’ it.
Life is everywhere.
My favourite book stand