It’s 2.00am and I can’t sleep. So instead, I’m blogging. Well, journaling. This is how I clear my mind and work through any negativity that is lurking.
This past week has been one of self sabotage. I am disgusted by the amount of unhealthy food I’ve eaten. Chocolate by the truckload has been the main culprit. Why do I do this to myself. Why? I know I know better. I should know better! I’m a yoga teacher and student for goodness sake. A practice that is all about deepening the body and mind connection. It appears my body connection flew out the window this week. Evacuated the building!
So why share this with our community at 2.00am? Well, I’m writing this blog for myself first and foremost. I can’t sleep and I need to process what is going on for me at the moment before my mind will rest. And two, because I feel a responsibility as a teacher to share with our students the realities of this practice. That there are ups and downs, even for yoga teachers! That there are times when we feel super connected with ourselves and other times when we feel like we are trapped in a foreign body. I’m at the foreign body stage right now.
It’s a constant cycle and I believe the deeper a person goes with their practice the more challenging it becomes to keep up with the inspired action to eat well, exercise and get to bed on time every night. Why? Because the deeper we go, the darker the stuff that starts to surface. And that dark stuff can lead us to do all sorts of silly things, like binge on enough chocolate to fill Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory.
Am I justifying poor choices? No. Absolutely not. Rather, by writing about it I’m helping myself to come to terms with the fact that – what’s done is done. I gave in to old tendencies, I don’t feel great about it but I can either dwell or move on. By beating myself up about an unhealthy week that’s past is not helpful. I cannot change what’s done. And I cannot change what is to come. But I can do something about now, this moment. And so I shall choose to think kinder thoughts toward myself. To grant myself permission to relax, be human and have human faults. To let myself go to sleep without stress or worry, but rather with an attitude of love and understanding.
P.S. Whilst it’s all well and good to write that I accept my decision to disrespect my body this past week, I am still having a tough time really accepting this. Just an FYI. But I’m working on it. I just might need to re-read my blog a couple of times for some inspiration. Lol!
Be kind to yourself, smile and just remember, even yoga teachers self sabotage sometimes too!
Sending chocolate coated hugs to you all at 2.15am,