Life is finite. I live with this dreadfully sad awareness every day – as do we all whether we choose to acknowledge it or not. This means life is precious. Every moment of every single day is precious and nothing is a bigger reminder of this than when we are faced with the loss, or potential loss, of someone we love.
Owen and I are currently in and out of the emergency vet hospital in Collingwood because early Sunday morning, out little pug Lola took a dramatic turn for the worst. She went from being her usual, happy, cheeky little self to suddenly in the intensive care ward which she remains in today. I’ve never been so devastated in all my life.
Little Lola came into our care in February 2017. Lola was a rescue and even though she has suffered so many traumas in her life, she maintains the happiest disposition of any animal I’ve ever met. Blind due to no fault of her own – purely a case of neglect – she has now been diagnosed with liver disease. For the past three days she has been poked and prodded with needles, been drugged to the point of losing control of her bladder and barely able to lift her head, and had most of the hair on her tiny little body shaved off. There is nothing more horrific than seeing a creature who is so vulnerable being pulled around and tested the way she has been. Of course this has to happen so we can find out how to help her, but it is nothing short of cruel. When will this little girl get a break!
My partner and I are heartbroken going through this awful process. Little Lola came barging into our lives earlier this year and ploughed her way deep into our hearts. We adore our animals and would do anything for them, so as you can imagine these past few days, being totally out of control and dependent upon the expertise of others, has been nothing short of horrendous. My phone is glued to me in case of an update.
With swollen eyes from having non-stop cried since the weekend, I’ve sat quietly most days reflecting upon our lives. On my life. I’m reminding myself of how precious our lives are. I feel so sad for people who hold onto anger or negativity because I’m mindful that it is just a waste of their precious time on this planet.
To calm the anxiety and slow the tears, I’ve spent hours walking quietly through parks with my other little man Tyrone or sitting on my mat focused on my breathing. I’m taking time to remind myself to take slow, controlled inhalations and exhalations to bring steadiness and clarity to my mind. Whilst this doesn’t change the reality of the situation, it allows me to regain the strength I need to get through this awful time. It reminds me of how important it is that I remain calm so I can be strong for her.
Granted, when I need to cry and just let it all out – I do. But there is a time and a place for this. Rather, by connecting with my breath I feel more in control of a situation that is totally out of my control, namely my thoughts and how I respond to the situation. Let’s just say I’m very good at thinking the worst, which is a painful, neurotic habit I need to constantly shut down (and I mean every minute of every day I’m having to cancel these thoughts). So as I breathe, I consciously focus on seeing Lola getting stronger and healthier. There is peace in this place and suddenly the anxiety starts to relieve, even if just for a moment.
So rather than dwell on the worst, I’m preparing for her recovery and I’m excited to say Lola has new PJ’s to keep her now shaved little body warm as well as a bravery teddy and comfy new bed to snuggle up in. This bravery package is waiting for her at home when we are given the all clear to bring her back. We all have different ways of coping, and my way is to prepare for her homecoming. It keeps me positive even when the news is not the best.
We are now waiting for the Medical Specialist team to contact us with steps moving forward and the results of a recent liver aspirate test. All fingers and toes are crossed this is positive.
I’ll keep you posted with an update.
Thank you everyone for your support and well wishes for Lola’s speedy recovery. Your energy is surely headed her way and I know she can feel it.