Well, I made it through the night. No ghosts. Owen is interstate for the next few days which means it’s just me and my guard dogs – my pugs. Whilst I might appear all independent woman… the reality is I still sleep with a night-light. I’m terrified of the dark. And yes, I’m very away I should get counseling for this.
Our family has suffered a number of losses over the years, one of those losses being my elder brother. A twin to my sister. I also grew up in a house we all believe to be haunted. We’ve all had too many unusual experiences happen to convince us otherwise. This was our family home and my father refuses to leave it. I know I shall never spend another night in that place for as long as I live. If it were up to me, it would be leveled.
So having experienced a lot of death in my lifetime, I have some very deep psychological issues when it comes to ghosts and fear of hauntings. Whilst I’m very aware of how crazy and irrational this all sounds, and I have had therapy to address these fears, they are so deeply ingrained that I can’t imagine ever feeling comfortable in the dark, alone. At the end of the day, my mind is wanting to play tricks on me and I need to make a conscious effort not to allow that to happen. But my goodness it’s difficult. So last night, the entire house was lit up like a Christmas tree so that if I needed to go into a room I don’t need to look into a dark room first before switching on the light. I can already see in. Silly, I know!
This leads me to another point though. I mentioned earlier how my family has experienced a lot of death and tragedy over the years. Well, there is nothing more blatant about how finite life is than being faced with death. There is a Buddhist meditation called the Death Meditation. As morbid as this sounds, you do this by visualizing your death. That this is your last day on Earth. You start to look at what is meaningful for you, what you wished you’d spent more time doing, or less time doing, the dreams you wished you’d pursued but never did, the phone calls to your mother to tell her you love her just one more time, the mending of a rift between you and a sibling. You begin to notice what is actually important in your life and what is just fear, or pride or excuses holding you back. When we wake up to these realizations, we develop a confidence to go after what is important for us, because we have been reminded that we sadly do not have much time to do so. I come to this place daily.
I live every day knowing it could be my last. I wake up so grateful for what I have in my life. My snoring pugs beside the bed, my snoring Owen beside me too (he’s going to kill me for that one)… my students, teachers…. my family as crazy as everyone is. I love them all and miss them terribly. To have food in the cupboards, money to pay rent and a warm home. The smell of incense, the candle burning below Ganesha’s feet in my living room… these are all simple things but they are things which mean so much to me. That I know if I didn’t have them in my life then life would feel so empty.
So whilst I’m scared of the dark and more afraid of ghosts than I am humans (badies) coming into my home, I’ve used these fears and my experiences with death to my advantage. To remain grateful that I am here. Alive. Well and with possibilities all around for as long as I shall be on this Earth.
Life is short people. Live it to the full, even if you need to put on a few extra lights in the house to give a boost of confidence.
Much love to you all,